Keeping up with the Joneses: Envy and Jealousy

I remember the first time a friend told me they were engaged. I was so excited for her! This was the beginning of a world filled with weddings, receptions, bridal showers, and looking at registries--all the romantic dreams of a girl. Little did I realize at the time, but God wasn't calling me to marriage until I was 28. After awhile, as the years rolled by, hearing friends announce their engagements and model their shiny engagement rings was hard for me to receive. Excitement quickly turned to envy as I realized it wasn't my turn anytime soon.

I just finished reading Jerry Bridges' Respectable Sins: Confronting the Sins we Tolerate. One chapter that spoke to me in particular was the chapter on envy, jealousy and other related sins, such as competitiveness and control. I love how the author defines and compares the sins of envy and jealousy. He clearly demonstrates the problem with both emotions and gets to the root of the sin: Pride.

Jerry Bridges defines envy as "the painful and oftentimes resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by someone else." We can let envy lead to coveting, where we want what the other person has OR we can just plain resent the fact someone received a blessing. The book goes on to spell out two areas in which envy thrives:

1. We envy those with whom we most closely identify.

2. We envy in people the areas we value most.

I don't identify with a Hollywood actress, for example. I am not in entertainment, I am not in movies, and I am not in tabloids. I do not envy any of those ladies. However, I might see a young mom at church who just lost weight. I identify with her and her struggle, and I might resent her new advantage--being thin. I don't identify with people driving REALLY fancy cars or buying designer clothes. I can't fathom that kind of spending or luxury. However, I might see my friend in a really cute, new dress from my favorite store or see my neighbor drive up in a NEW, shiny Honda. I can identify with these things and this type of lifestyle, so it might provoke envy.

As far as value--moms, what do we value? We value God and our families for sure. Does it create envy when you see another young mom get praise from a church leader for a job well done--especially when you've been working hard for God too? Do you feel a bit of envy when a child in your son or daughter's age range meets a milestone early or gets constant praise for behavior or intelligence? Do you feel envious when a friend's spouse has a better job, when a friend's husband is a more mature spiritual leader, or when a more outgoing friend gets more recognition in your circle of aquaintances? You get the picture.

Jealousy is often thought to be a synonym for envy. However, this book defines it in a subtly different manner. While envy relates to resenting someone else's blessing, jealousy ties to our feeling of superiority being potentially damaged. Jerry Bridges defines jealousy as an "intolerance of rivalry." In a way, jealousy is tied to extreme competitiveness. There is a holy type of jealousy--God is jealous when we don't make Him number one in our life. It is Biblical to jealously protect your spouse from a person trying to drag him or her from your marriage. However, most of our jealousy is sin. We get jealous when we believe someone will be equal or superior to us in some sense. We try to protect our "superiority." A great Biblical example of jealousy is King Saul and David. I Samuel 18:7 tells us that Saul burned with jealousy when he heard people singing that Saul had killed thousands and David tens of thousands. From that day forward, he festered with insane and powerful hate and jealousy against this threat to his power and superiority.

We all know, however, that younger, newer, more talented people always will come along to exceed us in whatever we are doing. Just as we know God gives various gifts and talents, he also gives everyone a different scale of success in those gifts. Even if you focus on the gift with which God has given you the most success, there will inevitably be SOMEONE who is even better at it than you!

The problem with envy and jealousy is that when we feel these emotions, we are telling God He isn't fair. We are pointing our finger at the Holy, omnipotent, sovereign Creator of all and telling Him that He isn't doing it right. If we are envious or jealous of a Christian, we are forgetting we are all one body of Christ. We all have a common goal and purpose. We are allowing our fleshly pride to lead us into sin. I Peter 5:5 tells us that "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." There is no humility or love in envy and jealousy. They are self-seeking.

These sins are also hard to recognize in ourselves. We so easily dismiss these feelings until they lead to sinful actions--such as gossip, slander and arguing. Jerry Bridges recommends asking those close to you to give you honest feedback about these areas. Where do we tend to fall into patterns of envy and jealousy? What are some actions we can take to fight these sins?

The world will continue to keep up with and compete with the Joneses. We, as Christians, are not to waste our limited time here with such endeavors. We are to rejoice with those who rejoice and thank God for His sovereign plan in His children's lives.